June-September: Restarting from the Ground (Part One)
From Breakdown to Breakthrough: Why I Chose the DPS Year?
[I] Sometimes, Rebuilding Takes Time
This year’s April to June was one of the most difficult periods in my memory. I had everything packed in my schedule before; I wanted to update my portfolio, create a storyboard to tell my character’s story, start internship applications in July, and I even planned to have a trip with friends…
And then, reality gave a harsh lesson to me as suddenly the situation was out of my control, and all the plans had been disrupted. Housing, academic, conflicts and emotional harm in a creative environment I never thought would happen. All the things came crashing in at once. It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff in winter, stepping back meant falling, but moving forward meant walking into a blizzard.
To be honest, there were moments when I asked myself whether I could return to being my normal self. Because trauma is like an invisible hand that pulls me back into those unbearable moments when I least expect it.
Sometimes, it only takes a sentence to trigger a flashback of how the voices of people insulting me, isolating me and invalidating me. I used to be the type of person who hummed tunes while walking, but later, even speaking lightly in my own room became difficult. I felt I lost all the energy, and I started ignoring myself: avoiding my portfolio, not replying to messages, and saying no to my favourite games. I began to feel foreign to the thing that once made me proud, which is being a ‘good student who always feels confident in myself and having plans for the future’.
At the end of June, as my family suggested, I returned to China and lived with my grandmother. Later, I returned to my home in New Zealand and continued that life. All of that time was spent restoring my energy; I did nothing but sleep and read.
It wasn’t until mid-August that I finally felt something shift. I begin to think about my future and start making decisions.
[II] DPS or Not?
One of the biggest questions was whether I should continue with the DPS programme or switch back to the regular final year track. This is because I know DPS is never an easy choice. As an international student, it means I need to find an internship for my placements, handle visa, and most importantly, I need to face the unknown. None of that is simple, especially for someone still in recovery.
But if I chose to return to university straight away… could I really face the same classmates who had contributed to my pain? Could I really study and improve myself in that environment? Even just imagining being in the same room made me feel breathless.
For the first time in months, I finally had the mental capacity to think about my future.
But both paths felt equally overwhelming.
I couldn’t stop spiralling into the worst situations: could I really finish this degree? Could I still produce decent works and continue to improve myself? Could I face the world again?
That sense of helplessness clung to me like a shadow.
But the time I have for me to make a decision is like sand in an hourglass; I could only have less and less. I need to decide. Therefore, I asked myself a question:
“Is the meaning of the DPS project for me just to escape from my current situation and people I don’t want to face? “
If so, why not just have a gap year? My family strongly supported me to have a gap year after they knew what had happened to me; they believed I needed to rest.
[III] Just Do It!
It took me two days to reflect on this question, and I came out with a clear answer:
I must join DPS.
Yes, I’ve been through things most people couldn’t imagine, but I survived. And I don’t want to let two people down:
The first is my past self.
Giving up on DPS would mean turning my back on all the knowledge I’ve worked so hard to gain, the courses I’ve completed, and, more importantly, the ambitious version of me—the one who dreamed, planned, and fought for a better future.
The second is my future self.
I can already see how the DPS programme will benefit me—not just through internship opportunities or time to grow, but through access to rare, structured, and professional guidance. Once I enter the real world, that kind of support becomes harder to find. So why not make the most of it while I can?
I want to use this DPS year to rebuild with intention. To learn new skills, both technical and practical.
To reflect on who I am and who I want to become after graduation.
To prepare myself not only for employment, but for a life beyond the classroom.
Because if I do that—if I take this time seriously—I’ll be able to say:
I’m walking toward a new future.
And those who once hurt me? They’ll stay where they belong, which in the past that we never go back.
And for the unknown future for whether I’ll actually land an internship, I quietly tell myself, it never too late because I am strong so I decided to go onto the stage, it’s because I step onto the stage so I can become strong. So why not give it a try?
And if I don’t get an internship, then just return to complete my final year, everything will be fine, it’s totally okay because I know I go to the university and study is never for others, it’s for myself, and I choose to believe in myself.
Let’s just do it!
